This satire was written by the blogger "Bob the Ape". Someone posted it on the Well-trained mind message board. (If you want to see his page it is at http://trousered-apeblogspot.com )
If Poe had written Dick and Jane:
Once upon an autumn morning, suddenly and without warning,
Came before my saddened eye a youth denominated Dick.
"Oh!" I cried in joyous wonder, "Oh, oh, oh!" No, 'twas no blunder,
My pall of sorrow rent asunder, my gladdened heart now beating quick -
Yes, my tired heart, once mired in sadness, now was beating quick -
My fevered soul no longer sick.
Oh, so gamesome his disporting, his curveting, his cavorting,
Such surcease my soul affording, that had been so sad of late.
"Look, look, look!" was all my uttering, said distinctly, with no muttering,
Wingéd words from my lips fluttering, giving thanks to kindly Fate -
With such simple words did I give thanks to beneficient Fate -
"Look!" did I reiterate.
To athletic Dick now entered sister Jane, like him engendered
In the fecund, many-splendoured womb of her whom they call Mother.
Circling, she swiftly skated; though one skate was separated
From her foot, she still gyrated, round and round about her brother -
Rapidly she still gyrated, round about her gamboling brother -
Thus they played with one another.
Two did not complete the tally, still to come was Baby Sally,
Brisk, for she disdained to dally, bearing her umbrella high.
"Look, Dick, look, Jane, look at Baby!" went the glad refrain, for maybe,
Maybe, she'd do something funny, so with sunny heart did I -
Hoping to see something funny, as my heart was leaping high -
Fix her with attentive eye.
Senses reeling, rapture-smitten, still I could descry a kitten,
"Puff" on leathern collar written, join the twosome and the tot.
Close behind her, softly panting, gleeful, gay and gallivanting,
Caracoled that regal canine whom the others knew as Spot -
Danced and pranced that noble spaniel known to all the world as Spot -
Oh, the bliss that they begot!
Woe! no sooner had elation reached its final consummation
Than a demon of vexation crept its way into my breast.
Were they of intent refraining from explicitly explaining
How I might hope for regaining her whom once I had caressed?
Brought they no hope of regaining her whom once I had caressed?
By whose love I once was blessed?
"Tell me, children, dog, or kitten, shall the lamp be ever litten
That will guide me though the shades to find the maiden I did love?"
"Look, look, look," said Dick, defiant, "Oh, oh," said Jane, uncompliant,
"See," said Sally with a sigh, and "Woof," said Spot, and "Mew," said Puff -
No one told me, neither Dick nor Jane nor Sally, Spot, or Puff -
"Oh, look, see," was their rebuff.
"Villains!" shrieked I in my madness, "bearers of deceitful gladness,
Thus to leave me in my sadness, here condemned forevermore!
Watching Dick and Jane and Sally, sundered by the dreadful valley
Of the shadow from that maiden whom I did betimes adore -
From that rare and radiant maiden whom I did betimes adore!"
"Oh," they quoth...then quoth no more.